Procrastination in the Future

I know I know, I've been a really naughty girl and not stuck to my promise. BUT i do have a good excuse for not writing...no the dog didn't eat my homework..i jolly well got myself a job at last. Actually, not a great excuse as it's only 4 hours a day BUT its a slight deviation away from my blog, isn't it?!
Lets go back a few weeks (cue blurry,wiggly flashback type screen) My mother and brother in law are here from UK and as nice as it is to see them, it's also a delicious excuse not to have to worry about where I'm at because it's more important I'm around for them.
As many of my friends and rellies know, I'm quite a good procrastinator, hubby says I'm the best he's ever met, so at least I don't have to brush up on this skill. The overseas visitors allowed me to put my skill into full swing, problem is they were here for a month, I'd swung off into the universe somewhere,never to be seen again....
That was until I got a bank statement. Not so fun anymore being unemployed and losing my mojo in my quest for my passion. Enough silliness.
And then fate (or pity) smiled at me. I was contacted on a nannying website where Id put an ad months before hand. That day I had got my butt over to the house, smiled a lot and landed myself a great little afternoon job, with great people and great pay.
The 20 hours a week has been a godsend. Not only does it pay the bills but it allows me to have a morning concentrating on other things in my eternal quest for fulfillment.
I made another promise to myself that I would not use this time to stroll around, sipping coffees at the local cafe but I would get up every morning and write.
I made myself have a meeting with a friend of a friend of a friend and got some valuable contacts in the online mag world. She told me I'd talked to her at just the right time as they were looking for new freelancers. I grabbed the opportunity to get back into the writing industry again and dug out every piece of published work I'd done and sent a selection along with a letter to all 10 producers in the company.
And after a day I was commissioned by a men's mag for an Anzac day special. The brief looked easy on paper and maybe would have been years ago but I was terrified. I wasn't feeling it. I was overwhelmingly frustrated by my lack of speed and the inability to find the words and different tones I needed. When finished and in, I asked if there was anything else I could do for them, to which I got a swift, "no fine thanks". Right OK. Bubble bursting.
Just at that time another mag decided to give me a shot and i prayed to god, this dude didn't sit next to the last editor who would swiftly give me the thumbs down. But, so far so good. Two articles for the 2nd mag were sent in today after working through the night on them and no negative feedback yet. And I should know, I'm checking my inbox with one eye open every 5 mins.
I'm hoping I will improve to a stage where I can truly decide if writing could be my vocation.
I didn't realise just how shaken my confidence had become. I've known all along that I'm not the worlds bravest, go getting social bunny of the 21st century but whether it was the degradation of my last job or the months without work, I've realised just how unsure i am of EVERYTHING in my world. To the point where I was actually worrying about whether I could fold the kids clothes properly or give them the right balance of food groups every night for dinner. I question everything I do and everything I don't.
Hopefully being published again will give me some validation about continuing on that path or not. And whats great is that I don't have the added pressure of writing to pay my bills, I'm writing to see if I can awaken my mojo....

Coffeeless Corporate Chat

I had a slight nibble this week. The slight nibble turned into a bit more of a munch and before I knew it I was heading into business land for an interview.

Hang on a minute, sorry, no actually "an informal chat".

After pestering family members about what that actually meant, I was advised that smart/ cas was the way to go in terms of dress and not to panic too much as it was more of a friendly personality check.

I still can't decide if my family were winding me up, or in fact what I had with this woman was indeed an informal chat to her standards; where asking about the financial standing of the Uk was just regular everyday chit chat.

When this was one of the first things she enquired about, I knew this would be rockier than the Andes. Hopefully I could keep her off the beaten path and guide this "informal chat"back to informal chat territory.

Not to be. I was then pummelled with questions I had not prepared. I felt battered and demoralised by the hard exterior of corporate speak. Stripped of any confidence, I tried to pull it together and thought of appropriate questions to ask in the "now your turn" part at the end. I felt even more ridiculous for trying to use a brain that clearly wasn't fond of this environment.

Finally, iI got my free exit pass when I heard the words "well, you just aren't a good fit for my company." Hang on a minute, what? I felt defensive to a point where I felt like saying, well you are not a good fit for me and my sanity lady but then I was the one on trial here.

I wasn't shocked by that sentence but the amount of times she repeated and emphasised it, as if to drum it into my psyche. Again and again, till all my negativity was in full force hearing only, that I was just crap full stop.

Well at least I could get the hell out of there now it had most definitely been cleared up I was not suited. I thought I'd politely ask why I wouldn't fit so as to get a bit of feedback for next time. I mean I must have made some pretty serious faux pas's in this informal chat of ours.
Bad idea if you want to keep upbeat. Apart from the usual, not enough experience in this field and lack of strong computer skills we finally got to the nitty gritty.

Apparently I'm not corporate enough. My clean ironed white linen pants were no way to present myself in an interview. (Yes OBVIOUSLY if it was an interview and not an informal chat). I was told to look around me at all the corporate ants scurrying along in the foyer, that's what I was to aspire too.

My degree was also not good enough. yes I had a degree but Ha Ha smirk, "who does a degree in Sociology? That's an Arts degree!" (Um yes it is, well done, and ME, I'm the sort of person who does an arts degree!)

If I actually had a coffee in front of me in the beginning, (which i didn't, as it appeared the protocol for sitting in a corporate coffee shop having an informal chat is to NOT drink coffee), I possibly would have hurled it at her.

I was a good girl though, I played the game, betrayed my scruples superbly and laughed along at what a ridiculous degree I had whilst nervously twitching and getting my belongings together as you do when you are ready to bolt.

What I heard next nearly blew my mind.

"So, as I said, you are not a good fit for my company and you are not right for the job but I do feel for you so Ill take the risk and hire you for a 2 month contract to see if you pick it up quickly."

Um, what, sorry? You are giving me a job? You are giving me, the person who is not right for this a job? Are you insane? Who does that?

"However, It's up to you if you want to start a job, when you know your boss doesn't think you are suited to the company."
Now throwing down the gauntlet hey? How inspiring and cutting edge! I do love a challenge given to me in this delightful way.

I left confused, tearful and like I'd just been tortured. But I'd been offered some sort of position.
I knew there was no way I could take the job but what was more worrying to me was how this situation had left me. I didn't want to let that unnacceptable behaviour beat me down.I was angry I had let it.

After careful debate with family and friends it turned out there could be a few positives to gain from this. Rather than see it as a total failure I could and should be flattered. A hardnosed businesswoman wanted to hire me even if I was totally unsuitable. Maybe she saw something in me? Maybe I do have a bit of something?

The other thing I found out was unfortunately that was a very usual chat/interview. Whatever it was, that is how many people in corporate world, speak. Very sad and doesn't fit with me as much as I dont fit with it. This led me to what I realised next: I dont dream of business cards anymore.

Internet dating

It's Sunday.
By my calculation that means I'm just within the week and therefore just honouring my promise to myself. I did have to drag myself away from sweeping the back yard but I got here in the end.

It's been a funny old week. Filled with a few crazy moments, bored moments, tearing my hair out moments and lots of questions.

It's good to have questions I reckon, even more so when they turn into an epiphany, which is also what I experienced this week. I can't take all the credit for it, it was a culmination of many tidbits of wisdom from friends, (real and cyber) family and some wicked You-tubers.

The first epiphany (which isn't really mine but Gary Vee's) is: "Success is a byproduct of your passion." Enough said-Great. Simple. To the point. Will discuss in another blog.

The second epiphany: my job searching needs to be deconstructed and put into two areas.
These two areas are:
1) jobs for now that will pay for my bacon and eggs on a Sunday and
2) jobs that will be in the future which allow me to have lobster at the Summit restaurant whenever I like. (I'm not saying my preferred career has to be high paying, but you get the idea.)
I need work now. Any type of work that's get the bills paid and my esteem repaired. When I have this, I can work on the passion.

My beautiful friend K helped me with this notion separating the two types of job issue I have. She noted that I need to find a job, for the meantime that wont necessarily be what I want to do forever but that is low stress and potentially has the ability to be flexiblein order to give me time to work on my future plans. She allowed me to see this NOW job as a means to an end. When I thought of it like that, it actually reduced my stress immediately.

My husband has also been very helpful. In the midst of one of my numerous weekly meltdowns , he gently said to me i need to think baby steps. I have a tendency to be overwhelmed by the unknown and he called me up on that and suggested a simple solution, take baby steps. By having him understand my nature in that one second took the pressure off and enabled me to take his advice.
By breaking complex ideas/situation down to many smaller digestable areas I increase my chances of success in every day to day task. You cant walk until you learn to crawl, isnt that the saying? So I am intent on trying to focus on those baby steps, which Im sure will help me find an easier path to those heavy all enveloping questions that surround my future.

I have felt like I have been through a turbulent relationship this week. Like I have been on the dating scene again. Because I haven't been able to separate the two different jobs I'm after, I've been really confused in identifying what I want exactly. Scouring the employment pages I have felt desperate, longing to find "the one" and wondering if the job world is perhaps just not that in to me. ?

And then suddenly there it was. Seek. As in working for Seek. As in working with shiny happy people all over the place, who eat scones and jam and play video games, ping pong and use slides to get from the top floor to the bottom. In the middle of their work day no less! This place is amazing. I never knew such a workplace existed. I gather all my courage and I do something drastic.

I apply.

I get rejected.

I feel worthless and ugly. Dumped before Ive even got to 1st base. Its not like I was applying to take over the corporation, it was just selling education programs over the phone for goodness sake. Maybe Seek and I weren't soul mates after all. But I was so sure....

After scoffing a tub of sara lee chocolate fudge ice cream, I then turned my attentions to stalking.What every hopeless rejected romantic turns to in despair. I cant help but turn the computer on. I tell myself to look for other work, on other sites so I don't have to see the words Seek even come up, but it's futile. I am transfixed by every new posting that appears online, wondering how to get noticed.
Then I find there are more of them. I am totally addicted to Australia's top 5 best workplaces,where it's the norm to wear nose studs, individuality is celebrated and you hug your boss when you leave, if you ever want to leave at all.

But then I get confused and realise I'm probably just settling. I love the sound of the environment but the work isn't really me. Ive been getting muddled again. The line between the now and the future has been blurred and it doesn't need to be.

I digress. What I'm trying to say is that I have made a decision. That it's OK to have a job that is not Mr right, as long as it could be Mr right now.

As I have slowly come to that conclusion it has allowed me to calm right down. No one is holding a gun to my head and telling me the next job I go for has to be the final curtain call. There is today's job and then there is tomorrow's. They do not have to be interlinked in any way if I dont want them to be and the chase can be equally as exciting as the kill.

A brief interlude with my friends.

Last night I came insanely close to punching myself in the head.
I had just about had a gut full of the constant chatter in my brain. Never in my life had I experienced this form of torture.
It went a little something like this:

EAGER BRAIN CELL: Right, I know, I'm going to retrain in something totally different-something I totally love and feel passionate about.

NEGATIVE BRAIN CELL: Yeah right, like to see that,as if you have the patience, time or the money for that! Oh, and by the way, what is it you feel passionately about again?

REALISTIC BRAIN CELL: Well, that's a bit harsh, and not entirely true. All those things could fall easily in to place but NEG is right, isn't it more important to really investigate things what you love?

NEGATIVE BRAIN CELL: Don't even bother, will take years, you are never gonna find it. If you decide to study, you'll just give up half way anyway, if you hadn't already at the first hurdle; picking out the right design of matching pencil and notebook set.

I angrily huff and puff and roll over.
Clock says 12am
Chatter chatter. .
I want to commit just a little bit of mass murder.
I wish I could just bang on the door of my brain and say to my little crack taking buddies: "Hey, we had ALL day to think about these things. Why now? Come on guys, give me 5 seconds of peace!"
Then I would've simply put them in the naughty corner and rolled into La La land.
But this wasn't to be, time outs wouldn't have worked for these suckers. They were here to stay. And stay, and chatter they did....